Earls Musings: Pudding Earl 101.

So, last week I posted my 100th post. I didn't even notice until I'd posted it, otherwise I'd have probably done something with it. That seems to be the tradition of people doing stuff like this. So instead I'm doing something for my 101st post. Now, I know I'm usually pretty narcissistic and full of myself, so this is going to seem like just more of that, but I figured I'd talk a little about myself, and why I did Shield High, what I'm doing right now, and why Shield High hasn't been updating properly. Though, that last one I've already covered here, I'll go more in-depth with it here.

Okay so, a couple of things about me that aren't like, super personal identifying factors, but are still important. First off, probably my most defining characteristic, if you ask me, I'm schizophrenic, and have aspergers. That's basically how I support myself right now, for any of you wondering if I worked, or if I made enough money from games, no to both. Some people say I'm lazy for not working because of my condition, and they're kinda right. I'm capable of working, as I've shown by doing Shield High for as long as I did, it's just not optimal for me. Shield High should be a lot more complete than it is. I just really struggle with keeping myself on task, especially for the incredibly dull programming that was RAGS, and the incredibly taxing writing that is making two girls fuck without repeating myself too much. Seriously. That shit's harder than it looks. It doesn't help that I'm living with my grandmother, and so writing during the day isn't often an option as it can get really awkward with her around.

All right, enough random shit about me, time for topical shit about me. Shield High, and why I started it. Wanna know something funny? For about two years of my life I couldn't stand to see lesbians. Or think about lesbians. Or really do anything related to lesbians. It made being on the internet very hard. The reason behind that is largely petty and childish, I'll be the first to admit that. I made the mistake of falling in love with a girl about...four years younger than me. Keep in mind, this was when I was around 18, so she was 14. Being a growing girl, she went through a lot of phases of working out her identity. For a while things were dandy, we were good together, and her working out who she was tended to make things easier for us. Or at least, not harder. Aaaaaaand then she finally got around to the issue of her sexuality. She now identifies as bi. When our relationship ended she identified as lesbian. So...I was bitter. And I couldn't face reminders of what happened. I'm not a healthy person when it comes to relationships, it's why I keep trying to avoid them since the last one I was really interested in turned out to be a sociopath. Point is, losing that relationship really, really threw me out of whack, and being reminded just brought the pain back. Some time during that whole, not being able to really stand lesbians thing, I played Corruption of Champions. And, like many things, I saw it and thought "I could do better." Actually, I thought "This has too many dicks and not enough lesbianism." So I set out to make Shield High. Partly to prove I could do it. Partly because I was upset about the lack of school girl lesbian fighting games. But also partly because I needed to do it for myself. It was part of a recovery process for me. It took lesbians out of the context of what I'd lost, and made them about my girls. My amazing lesbian fighting school girls.

And that brings us to another point. Why Shield High started to struggle. Honestly, it got to a point where I didn't need it anymore. I don't need Shield High. It's not helping me recover anymore. I've talked with that ex multiple times since, and I can do so without any pain, without any real problems. Sure, we fight about her current girlfriend, but I think a little bit of hatred there is justified, I had said from day one she was going to be what killed our relationship. Score one Pudding Earl. But regardless, Shield High lacked the drive it needed to be worth working on. It's lacked that for ages. I think the last plot I was truly invested in was Stacy. Everything since has been written because I made the commitment to write it. So, am I going to stop writing it now? Well, no. I just need to come at it from another angle. Which is why I'm allowing myself this downtime. Until I look at the idea and say "I really want to write this" I don't plan to do much with it. Some days inspiration strikes, and I want to pick it up again and keep writing, hence my surge of activity for Karen. Sadly, that didn't stick with me. I'll keep writing the weekly shorts, don't worry. It'll help me get in touch with the girls again, and see if I can find something to pull me back in.

Final point, what am I doing right now? Well, the past couple days have been spent on this STUPID FUCKING PROGRAMMING ASSIGNMENT. Though, my problem there is largely laziness, I'll admit. I plan to cave in tomorrow and just watch the video on it. I've done enough and solved enough problems of it I think. Once I'm done with that I'll start playing around with a proto-type of the new combat engine I have planned for Shield High. I'm also trying to pick up on writing the spin-off for Shield High I started ages ago. The goal is to write a couple hundred words a day until it's finished. I may release it in chapters as I go. Maybe.

Anyway, thanks for bearing with me through my little rant about myself, and I hope you found it insightful.

Pudding Earl

P.S. I HAVE A RAIDCALL DAMNIT. DOES NO ONE WHO LIKES CHILLING WITH ME HAVE RAIDCALL?